The news in general is so god awfully bad all over this week, that the BBC are interviewing snow - What do you say to people who accuse you of being cold and a bit slippery.
Speaking for snow, I for one am tired of being demonised. What about the banks in Ireland being given away to Santander? Isn't that more newsworthy?
Cut to rain. Cut to rain. Don't mention the banks!!!!
If only the truth were told on 'the news', and in terms we could actually understand without having to think our way through a fucking morass of media black flag operations. I might be happier. I might not of course, but at least it would be one less thing to think about. I want to see Sian Williams at 6am one cold, wet morning in old England, sitting there with Bill - good old reliable, believable Bill - telling the nation:
"Good morning, and here at the BBC we really are sick to death of all the sleight of hand and smoke and mirrors with which we are forced to befuddle you, dear loyal license paying viewers, every single day.
Yes, there has been a bit of snow along the Eastern Coastline of Northern England overnight, but on the other hand Irelands economy has dropped back to pre-Roman levels of poverty and hysterical desperation. A chicken is now worth less than a loaf of bread in Zimbabwe (but not by much) and North Korea are shelling the shit out of South Korea. Meanwhile the US have responded by sending in an aircraft carrier because she is busy fighting at least two illegal wars in the Middle East and doesn't really have time to sort out a potential world war three scenario (thank God). I don't know about you, but here at the Beeb we're hoping Kim Jong Ill will go and have a little lie down and wake up in a better mood.
Meanwhile, across the pond, the nation seems to be gearing up to vote a brain dead Alaskan to the White House because the middle class refuse to accept free health care until it is conclusively proven that praying doesn't work for cancer. There also seems to be some confusion at grass roots level about the difference between 'social health care' and 'social-ism', but that's another story.
Yes, there has been a bit of snow along the Eastern Coastline of Northern England overnight, but on the other hand Irelands economy has dropped back to pre-Roman levels of poverty and hysterical desperation. A chicken is now worth less than a loaf of bread in Zimbabwe (but not by much) and North Korea are shelling the shit out of South Korea. Meanwhile the US have responded by sending in an aircraft carrier because she is busy fighting at least two illegal wars in the Middle East and doesn't really have time to sort out a potential world war three scenario (thank God). I don't know about you, but here at the Beeb we're hoping Kim Jong Ill will go and have a little lie down and wake up in a better mood.
Meanwhile, across the pond, the nation seems to be gearing up to vote a brain dead Alaskan to the White House because the middle class refuse to accept free health care until it is conclusively proven that praying doesn't work for cancer. There also seems to be some confusion at grass roots level about the difference between 'social health care' and 'social-ism', but that's another story.
In Australia the England cricket team are doing just as shite as we all expected, while the coalition government in the UK are about to take the food, not from your table, but right out of your fucking drooling mouths while you sit there glassy eyed wondering what colour Kate and Wills' bridesmaid dresses will be.
At 7am we'll be speaking to some bloodthirsty bondage freak baby eating boy buggering Tory backbench bastard nobody has ever heard of, who will answer a pre-agreed set of questions his office fed to us last week like a bottle of cold tea to a Glaswegian infant. There will be no serious prodding or investigation of the absolute fucking lies he spews before we move on to some kid from the Midlands who got an A in maths but who only has one eye."
At 7am we'll be speaking to some bloodthirsty bondage freak baby eating boy buggering Tory backbench bastard nobody has ever heard of, who will answer a pre-agreed set of questions his office fed to us last week like a bottle of cold tea to a Glaswegian infant. There will be no serious prodding or investigation of the absolute fucking lies he spews before we move on to some kid from the Midlands who got an A in maths but who only has one eye."
I could go on. And on and on and on. If you know me, you'll know this to be true. But it's late and I have work in the morning. I hope it's Natasha Kaplinski tomorrow. She's got better legs.
